The Psychology of Romantic Love: Romantic Love in an Anti-Romantic Age by Nathaniel Branden

Author:Nathaniel Branden [Branden, Nathaniel]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781585426256
Amazon: 1585426253
Publisher: Tarcher
Published: 2008-01-29T23:00:00+00:00

A CURIOUS VARIABLE: RHYTHM AND ENERGY

Before we conclude our discussion of the selection process in romantic love, there is one variable that needs to be mentioned, which I have reserved for separate comment, a variable that can be deeply significant for whether or not love actually ignites between a man and a woman and yet is almost never recognized or understood. Its impact upon a potential relationship, whether positive or negative, can be very powerful yet very subtle. The variable pertains to differences among human beings as to their biological rhythm and natural energy level.

Biologists have discovered that every person possesses an inherent biological rhythm, determined genetically and only slightly modifiable within the first two or three years of life, almost never thereafter. Biological rhythm shows up in speech patterns, body movements, emotional responses, and is part of what we often call temperament. Closely related to the foregoing is the fact that some people are naturally and inherently more energetic than others, physically and/or emotionally and/or intellectually: they move, feel, think faster or slower; they react faster or slower; they seem to experience different relationships to time.

To consider this phenomenon first in its negative impact: it sometimes happens that two people meet and are on the verge of falling in love on the basis of many affinities and complementary differences, yet there is a subtle, often mysteriously continuing friction between them. They cannot explain it. They feel strangely out of sync with each other. They often feel irritated and have difficulty accounting for their feelings. In such cases, the barrier to their successful relationship may well be incompatible differences in biological rhythm and inherent energy level.

The person who is naturally faster feels chronically impatient; the person who is naturally slower feels chronically pressured. Often, the faster of the two responds by becoming still faster, and the slower of the two responds by becoming still slower, each trying to force the other to adjust to his or her own natural state, unaware that what is being demanded is more or less impossible. Not understanding this phenomenon, they will commonly invent reasons to explain their quarrels and disagreements; they will look for faults in each other; and when they break apart, they will explain the break in terms of these alleged faults. They will remain unaware of the deeper reasons for their incompatibility.

Of course, men and women can and do fall in love sometimes in spite of this area of conflict. And sometimes there are enough other positives in their relationship—and the couple has enough art and wisdom—so that they are able to rise above this difficulty. But sometimes—often—the difficulty proves to be an insurmountable barrier to a sustaining love. And what is sad is how rarely the couple understands why.

To consider the happy side of this phenomenon: when a man and a woman meet and feel in sync in this area, there can be an exhilarating experience of harmony, of rightness about the relationship (when this basic affinity is supported by other affinities).

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